Unconventional - Love and Life and Truth

 

How I learned, who I learned from.

August 22, 1969:  I was brought into this life by an amazing woman who didn’t feel she belonged to anyone.

Not her family.  Not to any particular man.  Completely disconnected for no reason she could grasp. 

But she knew I belonged to her.

She did resonate with the wild spirit of a North Carolina Cherokee heritage that felt natural to her.  She embraced her ancestors and the history she inherited.  Only to find parts of her that wanted to conform to the means of the day.  The clothes, the latest shoes, the sports car, the PERFECT man.  Which brought no happiness and only sadness.

She married a young handsome man and had a daughter.  But a greater feeling of joy for life, that was asking too much.  The voices said Not for You.

Our relationship was golden when I was young.  She could not have loved me more.  She would write me into poetry about the purest love and patience and understanding.  I didn’t get it.  She said I was perfect.  I really didn’t get that.  I got her suffering.  She was beautiful and smart and talented.  And she knew nothing but suffering.  My programming was set.

Depression is a friend that you never want to have and never want to leave.  Your greatest defender and greatest foe.  It’s the part that is the most eloquent, the most deliberate, the most convincing and the most deceitful.  

I always knew, even as a child, how this story would end, just not how it would happen.

In May of 2006, she ended her life.  And gave me the greatest gift a mother could give.  Pure...complete...infinite...love.

It has taken me a WHILE to get to this point.  After a lot of guilt, anger, depression, sadness.  blah. blah. blah.  And countless books, programs, retreats, self-help and self-hatred.

What she gave me is the ability to have an honest relationship with myself.  I cannot escape me.  And I know the truth.

Is it a work in progress?  Hell yes, my friend.

My mother took her own life because she never felt she could truly live.  She knew I had to learn, by her absence, how to make a great shift in consciousness.  She knew I had big life in me.  She did it for me.

Out of guilt?

No.

It’s just part of the plan.  She is a part of my daily formatting.  She makes up my daily language.

She put herself in a position where she could help me the most -- and it wasn’t in this life.  She knew she would be a distraction to me.  Yeah,  I said that out loud.  And it’s OK.  My mom rocks and gets me and we are in this together.

Do I wish she were here?  Yes.

I am the only child of a mother that suffered from depression.  And now knowing what I know about the Truth of the human spirit, I know that the change that could have occurred in her, had to come from her.  And no one else.

I know this because of the profound shift in me.  I wasn’t supposed to change her. The only change I can affect -- is change in me.  I have no control over anyone else.  It’s really very liberating.

A dear friend said the most precious thing to me right after her passing.  He said, “You know her life was perfect.  As it was.  Changing nothing.”

Yes.  It was all for my learning.  And hers.

Still looking out for me.  She definitely saw this coming.

I am left with profound gratitude, and grace...and love in my core.

 

And a twelve-year-old daughter who loves to dance.

We have a lot to teach her.