Start with what you want to create.
What do you want to create in a relationship? In your relationship? What is meaningful to you?
Most people come into relationships to get something (whether they are conscious of it or not) — approval, satisfaction, pleasure, assurance, completeness…love.
You (everyone) think the other person will “complete me.”
From this place is where trouble lands in a relationship.
In looking for someone else to be a certain way, act a certain way, behave a certain way, according to your set of personal beliefs and worldview, is actually looking very far outside of yourself for that sense of completeness. Like another person will make you happy.
And it will never work.
Yes, never is a strong word.
The entire relationship is then based on an IDEA that you have of the other person and NOT who he really is. As a human being. With his own set of personal beliefs, history, experiences, circumstances and worldview.
This leaves you in a state of alert when the other person isn’t going to think, behave or act in accordance with the IDEA of the relationship. You get hurt. Disappointed. Angry. Sad. Flattened out. You feel all the feelings. And he really did it this time. You can’t believe he can’t see it.
There always seems to be a place to get to in the relationship and the two of you just can’t seem to find it, or if you do, it just won't last long enough. It’s the magical place of “in love” where he gets me, and knows me and we live happily ever after and ride on white horses into the sunset.
Let’s blame Disney.
Because that’s not real.
What is real?
Love IS the deepest connection you can have with another person. But it’s not because of them,
It includes them.
All of them. All the bits and pieces of brokenness that they carry (just like you) that sometimes comes hurling out in shards. And, all the tenderness that you couldn’t have possibly imagined up in your princess tower.
The love/understanding/joy/connection you seek isn't produced by either of you as an object to be given or taken away.
It’s a place to enter.
Love is a Creation. It’s a field of possibility to access. An ability. An energy that is accessed by you, within you, and can be shared completely and openly with another person.
So, back to building a perfect husband.
A good place to start is a powerful question. First, you have to get yourself out of the way of the answer to really be able to hear, from a loving place, what your partner has to say. Without judgment or defense.
The question: What’s is like for you to be married to me? Really like.
And stop talking. Wait…
You are asking your partner this question. Be clear that he can be radically honest with you. You will listen and not go into defense mode if something upsets you. This isn’t about you. You are attempting to really BE with that human being over there. Pause if you need to. Don’t make any sudden movements.
How you respond is the clearest mirror in the universe. You cannot hide from yourself. You have in front of you the possibility of creating a truly deep, authentic connection with your love. This can sometimes go awry. Emotions come flying like missiles. It’s ok. Whatever happens, you can handle it.
Recently, Scott and I had a conversation that pushed me to an edge of real discomfort. Not a place I didn’t want to go. Still, very uncomfortable. I hung in there, then had a dramatic emotional reaction, closed down, and ran away. (patterns…..)
We both really looked at the situation for a couple of days. Looked at who we were being in that place. I found some things in myself that broke open and had real questions about relationships. I got clear on my responsibility to consistently come from the place of I Matter, like I matter in the the thing, and take a stand for myself. I saw who I was being.
But that’s just the beginning.
What I further came to realize, after more work, was that the real beauty and power lay in what I want to create with my partner. Who am I being in the creation? Understanding that while I may disagree with his view/language/action, I am cause in the matter of attempting to see what he sees. Seeing from his worldview. I still don’t have to agree, but we can create from that place.
It’s not his responsibility to complete me or be perfect for me. My happiness is my damn job.
If I come to the relationship as happy, as willing, as patient, as satisfied, as forgiving, as loving, as creative, as whole, as complete … with open eyes as to who I am married to and an open heart that knows who he is married to …
it’s easy to create the perfect husband.
I only have to see him that way.