I am so scared of this

 

I am starting CrossFit next Monday...and it scares the Lululemon leggings off me.  I haven’t told anyone.  Not Scott.  Not my soon-to-be-trainer.  No one.  You’re the first to know (wink wink).

My Black Swan is very excited about this.  The Darkness in me knows this is a place of weakness, of resistance.  There will be a lot to work with, and work out, in the gym.  She is grooming herself as we speak, getting ready for the occasion.

This has been swirling around in my body for some time.  Yesterday I made the decision.  This morning I felt the ruffle and scuffle of black feathers preparing for upcoming activity.  Oh yes.

I love yoga.  I love dance.  I love meditation and walking.  I love having peace and stillness in my body.  And I will still love all those things.  Those are places of light and confidence for me.  They will continue to be part of my life.

So why I am going to put myself in a place so seemingly opposed to all of those feelings?

Because I have to.  It scares the shit out of me.

That’s exactly where I need to go now.

If I am going to be authentic and teach other women to lean into their edge, to push out of their comfort zone, to embrace their fears, to stare down and befriend their Black Swan, to tune in to their bodies, to live out loud and be in their power...then guess what?

I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF.

And for me, right now...it’s CrossFit.

I have been resisting it for years.

The voice of BS has been taunting me with the same whiny chatter:

“It’s too hard.  It hurts.  Everyone is faster/stronger/better/more powerful than me.  I don’t like the competitive nature.  I’ll get injured.  I’m too old. ”

So here is the truth:

It’s not too hard.

It only hurts in my mind...that is pure resistance talking.

So what if everyone is faster/stronger/more powerful than me in the beginning...I am there to become more of all of those things and can use their energy for support and learning.

The only person I CAN ever compete with - EVER - is myself.

Anytime you move your body you can have injury...NOT moving your body is actually MORE dangerous.

As we age, it becomes more important to do weight bearing exercise for the health of our muscles and bones.

And most importantly for me, it’s where my FEAR is living right now.  For whatever reason, I am being drawn to that Box like there is chocolate drizzled all over the kettle bells and ropes and cages and boxes and barbells.  And yes, Black Feathers.

If I want to have a life full of promise and power, light and dark, stillness and strength, fitness (mental and physical) and freedom...I have to do this.  Instead of turning away from this fear, I have to calmly and methodically...walk. straight. into. it.

Over the past several years I have learned how to tap into my Light source, through yoga, meditation and many brilliant mentors and teachers.

But I haven’t learned how to harness the power of my dark side.  There’s a part of me that simply needs its ass kicked.

She still runs all over me when given the opportunity.  A mentor that Scott is working with calls it, “working out the Dark Warrior.”  That makes sense to me.

Drawing on a lesson I learned on a beautiful Arizona desert morning with a horse who saw my “I so got this” attitude coming a mile away and a horse whisperer with a PhD in psychology (read the full story here):

“When you get stuck, back off, make a change and try again.  If that doesn’t work, back off, change your perception, and try again.

If that doesn’t work, ask for help.”

So I’m asking for help.  I’m going to hire the best in his field as a mentor for this part of my life, Robert Vannewkirk at CrossFit Discovery.  I trust him completely and know he will meet me where I am and assist me in growing patience with MYSELF.

Investing in any part of life in order to grow, in any area that needs growth, is a use of funds that will only bring the highest returns.  And I can’t do this one on my own.  I have certainly proven that.  Exercise holds a huge place of resistance for me right now for some reason.  I have tried to tackle it from several different angles, but nothing is sticking.  ASK FOR HELP.

Black Swan and I are going to be REALLY close over the course of the next several weeks, cause she is gonna have a FIELD DAY with my excuses and whining.

But this is to shift that dark power into a physical strength, which will allow me to feel myself in my body even more, so I can have even greater awareness of my Self and triggers, so I can move through them more quickly, so my life can become super EFFICIENT.

Through movement we remember.  We remember our essence, as women, is wise, wild and free.

Rochelle Schieck

I want an efficient life, full of intention and love and freedom.

And I’m ready to move my body like I mean it...Wise, Wild and Free.

Love and lunges,

AngieSignature