Recently I got upset. I mean fired up. Focused, intense passion that didn’t leave for the entire day. That doesn’t happen regularly, I’m usually able to let anger-type emotions flow quickly through. I was disturbed, and just. couldn’t. shake it.
It was an article in Vanity Fair about the dating app, Tinder. (Read the article for yourself here.)
I was beside myself. And so were many others.
For the unaware, Tinder is a mobile dating app that shows you people in your area that are looking for a “date.” It eerily resembles a creepy video game, except using actual real live people.
This particular article portrays this particular dating tool in quite a negative light. Using the title “Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse.”
It highlights a bar in New York City, full of high-playing, high-paying, high-living, twentysomethings with good jobs, good lives and ready to hook up. Instead of talking to each other (an increasingly strange concept to anyone under 30…) and asking about their days or flirting or buying each other drinks, or maybe having an entire conversation, they were staring at their phones, “swiping” across tiny thumbnail photos of the different mating choices.
Like it’s just that damn easy.
Some of the young guys used phrases such as “ordering a girl," you know, kinda like ordering take-out.
W H A T T H E ???
That sounds a lot like free prostitution to me.
Deep breath. I realize, I am not in the dating scene. I’m one of those really boring people who has been married for 20 years. So no, I don’t know what it’s like.
But I have teenagers. A boy and a girl. Is this their future?
Are we really reducing a possibly beautiful human interaction into yet another video game?
It seems so. In our culture of hacking everything in sight from nutrition to exercise to apps for every possible whim, we are now hacking sex.
Stay with me here. I promise I’m no prude, fuddy-duddy-stick-in-the-mud who lives under a rock and is completely naive to modern life.
This is not about apps or dating or sex…really.
My problem here is with a lack of
R E S P E C T.
By reducing one of the most important, delightful and exquisite decisions of humanity, to bleeps and swipes and a 0.7 second glance of a thumbnail picture, this seems dangerous at best and catastrophic at worst. Racking up sexual encounters like collecting coins or kills or points and comparing your Total Tinder Tally (I made that up) like a Galaga score.
I also realize that men (and some women) have viewed sex as conquest for thousands of years. This is not new.
What is new is the speed and efficiency with which you have the capability of
CHIPPING AWAY AT MEANINGFUL, SOULFUL CONNECTION AND ANOTHER HUMAN BEING’S (MOST LIKELY FEMALE)
More deep breaths.
Then I calmed down. Sort of.
We are at a very critical point in human nature.
I do realize that Tinder is not the problem. Tinder is what it is. Apparently, people have actually dated and fallen in love by using it. (According to this one guy on Facebook.)
Technology itself is not the problem. It's what we're doing with it and our responsibility to each other.
But people…especially our Young People. Especially our Young Women People.
Please pay attention.
We are better than this.
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.
You do not have to stoop to the level of idiocy that creates this garbage.
Nineteen-year-old girls don’t need to be getting Tinder texts saying, “I want you to sit on my face,” from someone they don’t know.
Even if she pretends she’s OK with that and laughs it off and becomes consciously numb to that crude stab at an encounter, her subconscious mind stores that shit. And makes it easier and easier and easier for her to be easy, easy, easy. It’s programming her subconscious mind with messages that she is nothing more than an easy lay or toy to play with.
Come on girls…THAT is not OK.
Your fine, sacred, gorgeous, unique body is not a toy.
It is a work of art.
It is meant for pleasure and joy and freedom. With someone who will treat you with respect.
There is a difference between being a goddess and exploring sensuality and your sexual nature as a practice, and following along with the game because “that’s just what's happening these days.”
Being a goddess does mean seeking a pleasure-filled sensual life. It is standing firmly for your desires, YOUR pleasure, what YOU believe in and embracing your wild nature. It is being creative, being a creator, using your creativity to enhance your life and the lives of those around you.
Stand in your power. Stand up for what you believe in. If this way (or any other less than respectful way) of “hooking up” doesn’t feel right to you, in your bones, if you feel you are compromising who you are, settling because you feel time is ticking on your mating clock…
DON’T DO IT.
These tools are out there and the guys are using them in this way
because it’s working.
BREAK IT, SISTER.
(By the way…this all goes for marriage too. Not just dating.)
If you are giving up your soul for "love" and it's slowly sucking the life out of you and your self-worth is dwindling into a pile of thongs on your (or someone else’s) bathroom floor and you can’t look at yourself in the mirror…
DON'T. DO. IT.
(Now I’ve evolved from upset anger to lifting up all my girls with my bare hands...)
Focus on you.
Wait for the warrior. They are out there, waiting to be created. To be led.
You set up how you want to be treated.
You have a choice.
You create yourself and the people in your life.
Create yourself as a strong, powerful, beautiful, graceful, WOMAN, worthy of worship.
And do not accept anything less.
Create your man, or the one you desire, as a warrior. One that knows a woman. Lead him to you and show him the way. One who wants to see your inner wild creature. One who knows, or at least is open and willing to learn, to your being the most beautiful thing walking this earth.
Because you are.
You be a leader, a goddess. Live from your authentic wild self, shine your light bright and far.
When you are full and whole and living from your divine essence…
the world will be yours.
The love and life of your dreams won't have any other choice than to find you.
And you don't need an app for that.